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Children naturally look to their parents for nurturing and guidance. If they're convinced that we're on their side, they want to please us. So if your child is defiant, or you keep finding yourself in power struggles, that's a red flag that your relationship needs strengthening. Half an hour of Special Time , one-on-one, daily. This seems so simple that most parents under-estimate the impact. But I have never seen special time fail to strengthen the parent-child relationship, which always helps children want to cooperate more.

Special Time also helps your child work through whatever issues they're grappling with at the moment, so it makes children happier and emotionally healthier. Laughter also bonds you with your child, and roughhousing is usually the easiest way to get laughter going. Every child needs belly laughs and giggling both morning and evening to stay connected.

When a relationship feels tense, laughter is often the easiest way back to connection. Force creates push-back. All humans resist control, and kids are no different. When kids feel "pushed around" the strong-willed kids will rebel, and the more compliant kids will lose initiative and the ability to stand up for themselves. Choose your battles. Make sure your child knows you're on her side and she has some choices.

Coach your child rather than trying to control her. Listening to your child raises a person who can think for herself, stand up for what's right, and isn't likely to be taken advantage of. Discussions about whether kids are spoiled always indict parents for raising kids who aren't obedient, as if obedience is the holy grail to which parents should aspire. That's very different from obedience, where the discipline comes from outside the child.

Mencken said,. Obedience is doing what you're told no matter what's right. The quote that opens this post is taken from an article that doesn't mention any of these reasons why kids don't do what they're told. But I just don't buy it. The man who picked his eight year old up and put him in the bathroom wasn't afraid to set a limit because he wanted his son's approval. It looks to me like his son didn't follow his directives because the dad didn't follow through on his limit. He had trained his child to ignore him.

And he most likely finished the evening with shouting or smacking, which decrease the child's respect and connection, and therefore decrease future cooperation. Does setting empathic limits sound like a lot of work? It is, in the beginning. It would certainly be easier if kids would immediately comply with our every directive with no questions asked.

But the good news is that following these practices consistently not only raises a self-disciplined child, it raises a child who knows you'll follow through, so he doesn't need to be asked five times to do something.

Which makes it a whole lot easier to get him into the bathtub. Just what I needed. None of the other methods of "disciplining" were working for us. These articles are really helping me understand what my son needs. And the way you give specific actions to take, with suggested words! I often find myself thinking when reading about parenting, "But how exactly do I implement that???? Your kid may come to feel that they are just naturally gifted with all things school.

This may anger, frustrate, and scare your child. Am I not smart anymore?? There will be lots of new material like this. If you did, you would be living in your own house, with your own job, and your own money. Did you know that school was hard for me too? It was tough for me! You are a hard worker too, so I know you can do this if you set your mind to it. Some homeschoolers may be refusing their schoolwork because they are rejecting the concept of homeschooling.

They feel isolated. Yes, socialization does matter! Is your kid able to get out and see their friends on a regular basis? Does your child have solid friends? More and more kids are also dealing with depression for many different reasons that have nothing to do with school. My type-A personality wanted my homeschool to be a huge success, so I pushed that onto my little 1st grader. I had to check myself, do some research, and make sure that my expectations matched what was appropriate for her.

Sometimes it is as simple as changing what you write on — check out that homeschool hack here. Make more time for art projects, science experiments, music, and P. I once threw out a month of science lessons so we could dive into a study of Megalodon, which was something my kid was obsessed with at the time. Take some time and go through these questions and really take an inventory of what is going on in your homeschool.

If you still think your kid is just plain stubborn, then read on. Sometimes kids need a little extra motivation than your typical sticker chart rewards system. Sit down with them and talk about their future not in a scary way, but in an excited, adventure sort of way. What do they want to be? What are they passionate about? What do they want to do with their lives? Where do they want to go to college? My oldest daughter 7 or 8 years old at the time flat out refused to do math at one point.

I took the time to gently show her that just about any job and many basic life skills requires an understanding of math. Your son, of course, will not want you to back off. Decide as a family, and then be firm and consistent in enforcing your limits. Right now, you are propping your son up.

Instead of putting all your energy into doing things that your son would be better off doing for himself, put your effort into supporting his self-motivation. As I explained not long ago to another mom who was overhelping her husband , the way to foster self-motivation in others is to support their autonomy, their competence, and their relatedness.

These are the three core psychological needs that, when filled, lead to self-motivation. You can choose to refocus your attention on promoting his self-motivation. Give him more freedom. He needs the freedom to fail on his own—and the freedom to succeed without having to give you credit. Especially kids who are used to being nagged; those kids know that their parents will eventually get frustrated and do their planning for them. This not-making-a-plan thing is developmental, by the way—it is often more about their executive function than their motivation.

What did work? Help him feel more competent. This likely leads to resignation. And then help him see that it is his own effort that has led to that capability. The launch of a new book about raising happy and successful teens in an age of anxiety and distraction. For a lot of kids, sending them to their rooms to do their homework is a mistake.

Many children need your presence to stay focused and disciplined. And they need to be away from the stuff in their rooms that can distract them. You know your child best. If they do homework in their room, the door to the room should be open, and you should check in from time to time. No text messaging, no fooling around.

Take the phone and laptop away and eliminate electronics from the room during study time. In short, you want to get rid of all the temptations and distractions. If your child is doing an hour of homework, have them take a 5-minute break every half-hour so that they can get up, have a snack, and stretch their legs. Show your child empathy—how many of us truly enjoyed homework every night?

But your child will be encouraged when they begin to have success with their work. Some kids have a hard time getting assignments started. They may be overwhelmed or unsure where to begin. Or the work may seem too difficult. If you have a child who has a hard time getting started, spend the first five minutes with them to get them over the first couple of hurdles. Perhaps help them with the first math problem or make sure they understand the assignment.

For many kids who are slow starters, hurdle help is very effective. Then your child has to work within that time frame. So if your child has a science project, help them manage and structure their time. For instance, if the project is due in 30 days, ask them:. As adults, we sometimes take for granted the habits we have spent a lifetime developing and forget that our kids are not there yet. The way that I structure the weekend is that Sunday night is a school night, not Friday.

They may have to put some time in on Saturday or Sunday during the day. But other than that, your child should have the weekend off too, just like adults do. Believe me, this is a highly effective consequence for kids because it creates a great incentive to get their work done. If you can hold to this rule once and deal with the complaining, then next week the homework will be done. You can say:. Kids are involved in a lot of after school activities these days.

I understand that. You need to get your work done first. The reward was an incentive to do well. One of the shortcuts we take as parents is to bribe our kids rather than rewarding them for performance.

It can be a subtle difference. A reward is something that is given after an achievement. A bribe is something you give your child after negotiating with them over something that is already a responsibility. If you bribe your child to do their homework or to do anything else that is an expected responsibility, then your child will come to expect something extra just for behaving appropriately.

Bribes undermine your parental authority as kids learn that they can get things from you by threatening bad behavior. Bribes put your child in charge of you. The appropriate parental response to not meeting a responsibility is a consequence, not a bribe.

What makes an effective consequence? An effective consequence motivates your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be successful.

And the next day, your child gets to try again to earn the privilege of electronics. Short-term consequences like this are very effective. For more on consequences, read the article on how to give effective consequences to your child. Failure should be an option, and sometimes you just have to let your child fail. Parents often do their kids a disservice when they shield them from the consequences of their actions.

And they should experience the discomfort that results from their behavior. Let me be clear. Your child will learn that if they screw up enough, Mom and Dad will take care of them. Keep discussions simple. Say to your child:. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.

Say this in a supportive way with a smile on your face. If your child refuses to do his or her work, then calmly give the consequence that you established for not doing homework.

Also, trying to convince your child that grades are important is a losing battle. To get your child to do homework, focus on their behavior, not their motivation. Rather than giving a lecture, just maintain the system that enables them to get their work done. Often, the motivation comes after the child has had a taste of success, and this system sets them up for that success. For couples, it may be that one of you is more patient and acceptable to your child.

Let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. Find someone else or talk to the teacher about how your child can get the help they need. And try not to blame your child for the frustration that you feel. Remember that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. Meet with the teachers at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses.

And if your child does have problems, then communicate with their teachers weekly. Many schools have assignments available online, which is a big help for parents. Find out for yourself. The bottom line is that you want to hold your child accountable for doing their work, and you can only do that if you know what the work is. Work with your child on a system to keep track of assignments. I recommend an old-fashioned paper calendar simply because we already have too many distracting electronics in our lives—experiment and use what works best for your child.

Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may struggle. If your child is having an especially hard time, talk with their teacher. In some cases, the teacher may recommend testing to see if your child has a learning disability. If it turns out that your child does have a learning disability, then you want to get an Individualized Educational Plan IEP set up with the school.

Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders. It was overwhelming at times. Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work feel unending at times. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility. But even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives, and our expectations to make sure our son did his homework as expected.

Life would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down, and dug into their homework without being asked.