Is it normal to want cancer

It's helpful for friends and family to understand this loneliness for several reasons. Even if your loved one knows you love her and will never leave her, remind her again. Many people with cancer have experienced the hurt of friends leaving. Not everyone can handle hanging out with someone who has cancer for whatever reason. That does not mean they are bad people, and sometimes dearest friends disappear.

It's hard to see someone you care about suffer. Yet having close friends shy away raises the question: "Will other friends disappear as well?

In a different direction altogether, you may feel put off if your friend with cancer chooses to share his deepest thoughts with someone other than you. Especially if that someone happens to be a person he has only recently met. Does this happen? It does, and fairly often. People with cancer often find tremendous support and encouragement among people they meet in cancer support groups.

Or perhaps they have an acquaintance who quickly becomes a close friend and confident because of a similar history of cancer in themselves or a loved one. This can be hard to understand and very painful emotionally for loved ones who are left out in this way. Why is your friend baring her heart to that almost stranger when you have been there for him every step of the way? Keep in mind that discussing difficult topics and sharing intimate fears is draining. If your friend with cancer is not including you in some of these discussions, don't take it personally.

It doesn't mean you are any less important in his life. It may be that he only has enough energy to share those difficult feelings once, and wishes to do so with someone who is experiencing or has experienced something similar. As a final note, there is one commonly shared sentence that needs mentioning. The problem is that while the words are usually spoken lovingly in an attempt to make someone with cancer feel less alone, they can do just the opposite.

Those words are, "I know just how you feel. Do you ever feel too busy, or hear someone complain about being busy? If you answered no, you probably don't live within a thousand miles of me.

Now take that and add for starters, appointments:. Next add in educating yourself about your cancer, after all, being diagnosed with cancer is like registering for crash courses in anatomy and genetics and pharmacology, all in a foreign language unless you're well versed in Latin. Even just thinking about how overwhelming cancer is, well, overwhelming. Understanding just a bit about how overwhelming cancer can be, can make the difference between being a good friend or a great friend to someone with cancer.

As with most of life, it's usually just the tiniest straw in the end that breaks the camel's back. In analogy, it's often something very simple and inconsequential that makes a day go from OK to awful for someone with cancer or vice versa. Hearing someone use the words "you need to" or "you should" in front of nearly anything could tip that camel in the wrong way. In contrast, the simplest gestures—a card in the mail, or even a two-sentence email of support—could strengthen that camel so it stood tall and strong.

Is there any way you can remove just one tiny straw from the back of the camel for a friend with cancer? They will never forget your kindness. Though anger is talked about less than some emotions when it comes to cancer, it's very common. Cancer is maddening. First, there can be the "Why me? Certainly, the schedule of cancer treatments and symptoms, which do not follow a schedule is maddening.

Not only is it exhausting, but it interferes with everything else you could be doing and enjoying. Then there is functioning within the medical system, which can be maddening in any number of ways. Imagine a waiting room full of anxious people who are uncertain about the future and have questions that nobody can answer with certainty. As noted above, it's important for people with cancer to express their anger and hurt feelings.

Sometimes it just takes just a few moments of a friend's ear to make the clouds dissipate and the sun reappear. Cancer isn't a sprint, it's a marathon—but the marathon doesn't have a finish line. With the exception of some blood-related cancers and some very early stage solid tumors, most cancers can't be "cured. The first roller-coaster is that of diagnosis and initial treatment.

If you manage to make it through that phase, the next phase arrives: coping with the fear that a cancer that is gone will recur , or that a cancer that is stable, will progress.

The final roller coaster phase occurs for too many still. When cancer progresses. Then comes a roller coaster of trying to find treatments to extend life, of trying to decide when it's time to stop cancer treatment , and sadly, trying to decide how to prepare for the end of life. In other words, no matter what type or stage of cancer a person has with only a few exceptions cancer can feel unending.

It's important to point out once again that people can and do enjoy their lives even with advanced cancers, but feelings aren't wrong. They just are. There will be times for most when that never-ending marathon leaves us wanting to step off the track for even just a day and be someone who doesn't carry identification saying she is a cancer survivor. Cancer can be painful but that hurt is not always visible to someone on the outside.

Pain can cause irritability. That irritability, in turn, can make someone say negative things they would otherwise not say, or do things they would otherwise not do. If you ever feel hurt by your friend with cancer or are surprised by his reaction to something, ask yourself: "Is it pain speaking?

Cancer pain is one of the greatest fears for people with cancer. It may help to talk to people who have been in your situation. Other cancer survivors can share their experiences and give you insight into what you can expect during treatment.

You may have a friend or family member who has had cancer. Or you can connect with other cancer survivors through support groups. Ask your doctor about support groups in your area or contact your local chapter of the American Cancer Society.

Online message boards also bring cancer survivors together. Some old stigmas associated with cancer still exist. Your friends may wonder if your cancer is contagious. Co-workers may doubt you're healthy enough to do your job, and some may withdraw for fear of saying the wrong thing. Many people will have questions and concerns.

Determine how you'll deal with others' behaviors toward you. By and large, others will take their cues from you. Remind friends that even if cancer has been a frightening part of your life, it shouldn't make them afraid to be around you. Just as each person's cancer treatment is individualized, so is the coping strategy. Ideas to try:. What comforted you through rough times before your cancer diagnosis is likely to help ease your worries now, whether that's a close friend, religious leader or a favorite activity that recharges you.

Turn to these comforts now, but also be open to trying new coping strategies. There is a problem with information submitted for this request.

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How would I address that gap? Maybe the same way. Her fellow traveler on the path of secrecy — the year-old woman with stage 4 breast cancer — says, in time, she may change her mind and tell everyone. Metastasized cancer in her bone is progressing and her tumor markers are elevated, she posted on her blog in July. Those things sort of push my buttons.

Those things sort of annoy me. And any annoyance is not necessary for my health. Talk about this story on our Facebook page. Follow him at writerdude. Previously, he was a contributing writer for NBCNews. Prior, he was a staff writer for The Denver Post, part of the newspaper's team that earned the Pulitzer Prize for coverage of the Columbine High School massacre. Donate Now. Hutch News Stories. If someone does this to you, you may feel unwanted and resentful.

Try to talk to them and explain how you feel. You could choose a time when you are both having a good day. Or you may find it easier to talk about your feelings with someone else. Try not to let feelings of anger and resentment build up. Try to understand how the other person feels.

This may stop your anger and irritation building into an argument. When you feel guilty, it is common to hide your feelings. This can make it hard for people to understand what you are going through. If you feel guilty, talk about it with someone you trust. They may help you see things differently.

When someone close to you has cancer, you may feel like you are on your own. You may feel other people do not understand what you are going through. People may not know about all the things you have to do. It may help to explain this to them. You will probably feel tired or even exhausted at times. Supporting or caring for someone can be physically and emotionally tiring. It is important to take care of yourself. People often have different ways of showing their feelings when someone close to them has cancer.

Sometimes this may lead to confusion. It helps to remember that everyone reacts differently. Some people find it easy to talk about their feelings.

But not everyone is comfortable with this. People may show their feelings in other ways. They may show they care by:. Sometimes people do not want to talk about their feelings in case it upsets others. But it is okay to be sad or upset. This is a natural reaction when someone you care about has cancer.

It may help to talk about what is happening and how you are feeling. Talking about your thoughts and feelings can:. It is a good idea to talk to someone other than the person with cancer. This will take some pressure off both of you. The person you talk to could be a partner, family member, close friend or spiritual advisor. Or you may find it easier to talk to someone you do not know. If your feelings are affecting your day-to-day life, talking to a professional may help.

You can ask your GP about how to get counselling or see a psychologist. A counsellor or psychologist helps you talk about your feelings. They may also help you change the way you are thinking. We have more information about talking to the person with cancer.

You and the person with cancer may both need time to adjust before telling anyone else. This is normal. But telling other people means you can all get the extra support you need.

The person with cancer may find it hard to tell others. It is their decision when to share their diagnosis. But if you are close to them, you may also need support. Try talking to them about why it would help you to have support from other people. They might agree to you telling a family member or close friend. Or they might set a date for telling other people, for example after test results come back. If you do not feel you can do this yourself, you could ask someone you both know and trust to do it.

Ask the person with cancer what they want other people to know. Deciding what to tell children and teenagers about cancer is hard.

We have lots of information to help you talk to children of all ages. You can contact the Macmillan Support Line :. You can contact the Macmillan Support Line for free on 00 00 , 7 days a week, 8am to 8pm.